Facebook status highlights from 2011

The problem with having cute stories about your kids on facebook and in a blog, is that you have to keep track of both.  So I decided to waste an hour and compile all my favorite status updates for 2011 here.  Some of them are hilarious!!

"Mommy? Does cock and rock rhyme?" "Yep!" "What about chick and dick?" "Wow, buddy! You're on a roll!"

S: "Mommy, that's too much!"
Me: "Oh, yeah? How much do you want?"
S: "I only want one much!"

Dear Santa, thank you for sending me a kid who sleeps all night and sleeps in until 7:30! I've waited almost 3 years for that. Thanks for coming through for me! Merry Christmas!

Nothing says Merry Christmas quite like taking a giant swig of apple cider and finding out that it's really turkey fat! #turkey fat + coffee mug = cruel joke!

5:30am. Christmas Eve morning:
S: "Abba Dabba. Abba Dabba. Pesto! You cat!"
Me: "My turn...Abracadabra. Abracadabra. Presto! You're asleep!"
Can't blame me for trying :)

Lying in bed tonight, B came up with some crazy story abotu lightning mcqueen and finn mcmissile doing crazy flips and failing and dying at the end...or something along those lines. He said, "is that a good story, mommy?" I said, "It was until the end. Can't they something more positive at the end...like bake cookies or something?" He thought that was freaking hiliarous! "But cars can't bake cookies, mommy! They don't have any hands!!!" Kinda pushed bedtime back abotu 20 minutes...

bought the kids ornaments to paint...ie, slather in copious amounts of paint that make them all look black and murky. Meh! Bygones. But, during the painting extravaganza:

"Mommy! Me want donkey!"
"There is no donkey, honey"
"Yeah, dare is! Rite dare! I want donkey!"
"Where, buddy? I can't see a donkey!"
"Dare!! Beside Fosty!"
"You mean the stocking?"
"Yeah, donkey! Dat's what I said!"
"Oh, right. Sorry! Here's the stocking then!"
"Thanks, mommy!"

I woke up at 6am with my sound asleep toddler cuddling all over me and laughing his little a$$ off in his dream!! How cute is that???

Walked into my parents house to my kids sitting side by side on the couch, sharing a blanket, watching TV and holding hands. Does it get any cuter than that?

S gave me three kisses on my cheek this morning and then licked me all up one side of my face. I said, "oooh!! Gross! That's yucky!!" He said, "That's what doggies do sometimes, mommy!" Can't argue that...still gross, though :)

"Me like daddy and you!"

At the Wizard of Oz play last night, the guy who was sitting beside B the entire time, sits down again after the intermission. He was tall and had white hair. B looked at him and said, "Were you one of the munchkins?"

Took my kid to see the Wizard of Oz and he smiled at me the whole way through it....well, until the scary wizard part. I asked him at the end of the play what his favorite part was and he said, "Going with you, mommy!"
Ok, he actually said, "Going to McDonald's on the way" but a girl can dream, can't she :)

B: "Mommy!! S's eating a cotton ball! Make him stop!!"
Me: "Where did he get a cotton ball?"
B: "I took it off his art! Make him spit it out! I don't want him to die!"
Me: "Did you just swallow a cotton ball, S?"
S: "Yep!"
B: "WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!! Now he has to go to the doctor!!! WAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"
Me: "S, why did you swallow a cotton ball?"

S: "Cuz it's funny!"
B: "He's going to die, mommy!! Why did you eat a cotton ball? It wasn't cotton candy, you know!! WAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"
5 minutes later:
B: "Do you feel like you're starting to die, S?"

B: "Why are you wearing your glasses today, mommy?"
Me: "I dunno. I kinda just thought I'd switch things up a bit. Do you like them?"
B: "Not really. I like your contacts better. I like it when you get up in the morning and put your contacts in."
Me: "Ok, I'll do that tomorrow then."
S: "Me like my cow costume!"

"Have you ever heard of watermelon soup mommy? Doesn't it sound yummy? It's made specially for kids!"

"S, you crack me up!" "NO! ME CRACK YOU UP!!" "Ok, fine! You crack me up!" "Thas better!"

Said to his ammy, "I want to buy my mommy a wedding dress for her birthday so she can look like a princess!" Love that kid!

"Uh oh! My find find glass got wet!" "Your what glass?" "My find find glass!" "Oh you mean your magnifying glass?"

"S, you're a good little brother, aren't you?" "Yeah!" "Can you get me my bayblade, please?" "NO!" "Well, that doesn't sound like a good little brother!"

"I don't want to shake your hand, Uncle T! It has pee on it!" "What? My hand doesn't have pee on it!" "Yes, it does! I felt it when I high fived you earlier!" "There's no pee on my hand, buddy!" "Yeah, there is. It's down at the bottom there, see???"

how come I wasn't warned that the world would come to an end if the toast was cut in half????

"let's go to cookieland mommy where there's cookies the size of our teeth...but not cookies with screws in them, ok, mommy?"

"Mommy! There's Koko's and Dairy Queen and the Dealership...a dealership is something you take out into the sea, right, mommy?"

"Hey mommy! Come look! There's a new flower on our tree and it's really big and pretty! Come look! Come look!" "Yeah, buddy, that piece of garbage plastic the roofers chucked on the tree looks awesome! Maybe we should get those glasses checked!"

my kid spent the whole drive out to Oakridge yesterday playing with his "pet monkey" (ie, his foot). Should I praise his imagination or look into psychiatrists?

Yep! Every couch has now officially been peed on!

How come when you google "bee sting treatments" EPIDURAL doesn't come up as the #1 option? Seems to me that that's the only way I'll get through the night!

B had a conversation with the roofers today about headstands and such. Roofer said to B: "Can you touch your toes?" B said: "With what??" Awesome!

when the kid keeps opening the door just to look at his new bike, you know you made the right purchase :)

at the racetrack today: "are you having fun buddy?" "I could do this forever, mommy!"

"Mommy, I want to go to the museum!" "What museum, buddy?" "The one with all the fish!" "You mean the aquarium?" "Yeah, the museum with fish!"

‎"Mommy, all you ever do is make me sad!" "Really, buddy? That's all I ever do?" "Yeah, mommy! It's not fair that you get to go out for dinner with your friends. You're not allowed to ever leave! It makes me sad!" "Ok, buddy."

could wake up to my happy, little, well-rested guy singing, "Thooooo-mah and hi fwenz!!" any day!

Someone once told me that kids need to be defiant so they can learn how to be individuals. So...repeat after me...Defiance is good! Defiance is good! Defiance is good! I'm making it my new mantra...hopefully that way, I'll eventually believe it :)

SMILE! It's the first thing people like about you.

Oh where, oh where, has my adorable 4 year old gone?

As much as I wanted my kids to play together, I didn't want it to come in the form of combined attitude against me!!

Just to give you a visual...one kid is trying to peel the baby gate away from the door while screaming for daddy. The other one is taunting him from his room by screaming along with him. And I'm sitting in the middle of the hallway trying to maintain sanity. Misery loves company?

totally just drank too much wine without eating enough dinner...what's my name again?

"Was that a perfect fart, mommy?" Boys.

‎"mommy, leaves are disgusting! They're disgusting mommy. Especially the one's in Africa. Because they're poisonous." Huh?

has the most interesting conversations with my 2 year old. Pretty sure neither of us has a clue what we're talking about :)

how much does it suck to be 2 blocks away from the grocery store when you remember the 5 things you forgot to buy?

Don't you love it when you guzzle a big cold glass of refreshing milk only to find a pile of disgusting dishwasher grunge at the bottom of the cup? Yeah, I love that!

‎"Me got big pee pee! B got widdow pee pee!" Wonder who he learned that from?

‎"I only love you and S, daddy. I don't love mommy. She doesn't do anything." So...I'm clocking out for the day!

both kid, sitting alone in the kitchen eating breakfast and I hear, "I love you, S!"  "Me uv you, too, B!"

i think my kid just tried to pee on his brother.

"If you eat 4 more bites, I'll give you a cookie for dessert." "4 bites is a lot, mommy!" After 4 bites, "If you eat 6 bites, I'll give you a really big cookie!" "6 bites is too much, mommy. How about I only eat 2 more!" Good thing he doesn't know math yet. He sure thought that was a GREAT deal!

one kid's spent the whole day trying to play with his brother's toy and the other kid's spent the whole day trying to make sure his brother doesn't play with his toy. Makes for a pretty awesome day!

isn't sure who's more excited...the kids who get to go see THomas today or the mommy who doesn't have to bring them??

Yeah, I'm a great mom. I didn't notice the mold investation on the lid of the spaghetti sauce until my kids had finished their third bowl of pasta. can I get a collective GAG please?

whoever wrote the saying, "Don't cry over spilled milk" obviously didn't just watch their 2 year old pour a 4 Ltr jug of it all over the kitchen. Awesome.

‎3:30am..."Mommy! NO NAP!! NO NAP!!" kinda says it all...

"Look, mama! Dada bought me hockey shit! Like my hockey shit, mama? Look! Dat's my hockey dick! Me play my hockey dick in my hockey shit!" Gotta love 2 year olds! (ie, hockey stick and hockey shirt...in case you were confused!)"

"Hey, mommy! Why are you cleaning the counter?" "Because there's junk on it, buddy!" "You mean like in your car?" "Huh, buddy?" "Like the junk in your trunk?" "Buddy, girls don't like being told they have junk in their trunk" :)

"mommy, do you like jelly bean soup?" "I don't know, buddy! What's it made of?" "It's made of jelly beans and sugar and there's chocolate eggs mixed in. Can we make some mommy?" "Maybe not before bed, honey..."

"I love my mommy because she builds train tracks with me." Almost made me cry :)

"ank ooo ow ide, mama!" Translation: Thank you for taking me outside, mommy. Totally uncoerced. How sweet is that?

"Me have big dick!" "No, honey. It's a big STICK!"

and B exclaims enthusiastically, "Look mommy! There's a GIANT snot on my elbow! And it's green! My favorite color!!!"

"I don't like mangoes, mommy". "That's ok, honey. You don't have to eat it." "But, I like you, mommy!"

As your driving down a 5 lane hwy in the far left lane in bumper to bumper rush hour traffic, the little one yells out, "PEEEEEEEE!!" What do you do??

B heard Beyonce's "single ladies' at the sea life park today and all he's been singing since is "I'm a single X, I'm a single X, I'm a single X, I'm a single X. Put your hands up, Oh Oh Oh!"

"What's this show called again, buddy? Four Play? It can't be called Four Play. Is it really called Four Play?" "No, mommy! It's called Role Play. The other show is called Four Square." "I knew something didn't sound right!"

"Hey buddy! I love you very much!" "Hey mommy! I love daddy and S very much!"

While watching the EZEE Wrap dispenser commercial, B announces, "We only have hard wrap, don't we mommy?"

how cute is the kid that shares his grilled cheese sandwich with his blankie :)

is schizophrenia a side effect of turning 2?

"MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!" "Do you want some, buddy?" "NOPE!" Oh, yeah...the lovely sounds of a 2 year old!

"S! Get off of me! I'm not food!"

Wow! Did that Costco trip ever suck! Blueberries squished all over the floor, roasted chicken juice all over the cart, yogurt all over the new clothes, no cash for food from concession so three people chipped in to pay for our pizza, pizza everywhere, pee in the parking lot...seriously! I don't think they'll let us back!

"Hey, S! Where'd you get that muffin? Wait a sec...what is that in your hand? Is that poo!! GROSS!!!"

's kid peed in a cushioned church pew today and then pulled his pants down to show off what his momma gave him! Is he going to hell or am I?

"Do you know how cute you are, buddy?" "No, mommy! How cute?" "So cute, I can barely stand it!" "You mean hundreds of cute, mommy?"

So lets recap my cake baking skills this weekend...5 cakes baked in total. 1 crumbled in the pan. 1 eaten by squirrels. 1 burnt to a crisp. 1 exploded when the pyrex dish exploded. 1 doesn't have rabies, burn marks or any broken glass...PRICELESS!!

just spent about half an hour watching a movie in closed caption before I finally realized, "Hey! Is this closed captioned?" I thought it was just highly narrated. You can stop laughing at me now!

yo, daddy! If a kid comes at you with a potty full of pee, it's probably best to pay attention. But, judging by your wet arm and face, I'm guessing you know that by now :)

just took Mr. Miserable and Mr. Slippery Feet skating. I must really love my kids.

"How tall are you teach?" "6 feet" "What? So you mean you're like 5, 9?" "No, I'm 6 feet!" "So is that like 5, 11?" "No, it's like actually 6 feet!"

"Teach. What's F-I-R?" "It's fir. Like a fir tree?" "O....K???? So what is that then?" "It's FIR. FIR TREE. Like DOUGLAS FIR." "Uh...Huh?? I'll look it up in the dictionary, I guess."

And there he was, jumping up and down singing the happy dance, "I'm 4 YEARS OLD!! I'm FOUR YEARS OLD!!! Hurray!!!"...."How much longer until I'm five?? And when will I be three again??"

UNtil 2012...

I can see clearly now....

One of my closest friends just got diagnosed with cancer.  A nasty kind of cancer, too.  She's the toughest gal I know, so I'm sure she's going to be in that "Screw you cancer!  You can't take me down with you!" group.

This post isn't about my friend, though.  This post is about my son.

This past month has been beyond brutal for me.  My job, my kids, my life is driving me bat #$(* crazy, for lack of a better word.  And then adding my friend's cancer to the mix pretty much threw me over the edge. My patience, my energy, my will to break up fights between my kids has pretty much been decimated.  I've found a new appreciation for bedtime...and wine :)

Yesterday, though, while I was rushing to get dinner made and eaten within 30 minutes to get out to floor hockey class, Big grabbed my hand and dragged me upstairs to "come see this mommy!!"  Apparently there was something cool in the playroom.

I've seen lots of "cool" things in the playroom...lots of lego cars, playmobil bikeriders, clothes pulled out of the closet...none of which really match my definition of cool but I suck it up for the sake of my kid's self worth.

But yesterday?  My amazing son dragged me upstairs to see a rainbow!  We had a crazy downpour of rain and as soon as the sun came out, a beautiful rainbow appeared in the sky.  Both my kids stared at it in silent wonder for ages.  Key word?  SILENT!!

I said all kinds of "Wow!  It's beautiful.  Cool, eh?" statements but in my head I was thinking about my plan to get the lunch bags unpacked and in the dishwasher, the laundry in the washer, the dinner on the table.. what was I cooking for dinner again??  And how much time do we have until floor hockey???

I started to panic and said, "ok guys!  I have to go start on dinner.  Thanks for showing me."

At which point, Big grabbed my hand and said, "No, mommy!  Really look at the rainbow!  It's beautiful!"

I looked at my amazing kid and all I could think of was how truly beautiful he was.  The rainbow was ok, too :)  And I stayed there with my kids, holding their hands watching the rainbow disappear.

The rainbow only lasted for about 5 minutes and dinner was eaten and cleaned up with time to spare before floor hockey class...

And I managed to scoop a little moment of peace in my crazy hectic day with my little dudes.

But probably most importantly, I realized how small moments with my boys appreciating them and the things around them are waaaaaay more valuable than getting the lunch bags unpacked and the laundry in the wash.  If only I could remind myself of that more often.

Thanks Big!  I can see clearly now!  But, honestly?  That rainbow wasn't nearly as beautiful as it's reflection in your eyes!