5! GLORIOUS 5!!!!

It's no secret that 3 did not look pretty on Small.  4 looked only slightly better!

It's also no secret that I was literally counting down the days until he turned 5...since he was about 4 years 2 months old!!

Ok, maybe that was a secret...Shh!!  Don't tell anyone!

Either way, he is officially 5 and can I just say that 5 is all kinds of awesome!!!!  No joke!!  5 year olds are ALMOST rational!  They are ALMOST capable of controlling their emotions.

They are ALMOST HUMAN!!!

Yeehaw!!!

So the other day, I was driving him from point A to point B (which is what I spend about 80% of my free time doing...and he decided he wanted to eat his cheesecake.

<Note: the so called cheesecake I made was actually a healthy fake version made with greek yogurt and strawberries...Muwahaha!!!  Mommy's smarter than you, kid!!!>

Anyhow, I told him he had to eat his veggies first.  He started pulling out the ol' tears/tantrum/hissy fit/all of the above.  But, I ignored him and shoved both his veggies and his "cheesecake" in front of him.  I then explained that he can't have his "treat" until he eats his good food first.


Now, if he were 3, that would have resulted in a 2 hour legs and arms flailing on the ground massive fallopian tube seizing tantrum.


If he were 4, that would have resulted in a 1 hour legs and arms flailing on the ground mommy needs an ENTIRE bottle of wine tantrum.


But...he's five now!!  So you know what happened???


He thought about it for a few minutes!!


I'll just let that sink in for a second.....







YEP!!  HE ACTUALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR A FEW MINUTES!!!!!!!!!



And then, the next thing I knew....I heard the veggie container clicking open.


< can I just interject here and say how beautiful a sound that is.... >


< like music to a mom's ears!!! >


And he ate the ENTIRE container of veggies....


and then he said, "Mommy, I ate my veggies.  I'm going to eat my cheesecake now!"


"Sure! You go for it, buddy!"



But you and I both know that that cheesecake was actually pretty healthy for him :)

Double Muwahaha!!!  Can't pull a fast one on me little fella!!!



But then the most amazing thing happened!  A little miracle, you might say!


He said, "Mommy, I made a good choice there!  I wanted to cry when you told me I needed to eat my veggies first but I decided to eat them because I wanted to eat my cheesecake!"




Ok, WHAAAAAAAAT????????????


Have the zombie's officially invaded and taken over my child??????



Nope...he's just 5!!



And so far, 5 is looking pretty good on him!!!!

The F word?!?!

Twice this week, I found myself trapped in a teeny tiny ultrasound room with both boys hyper at the end of the day....for AN HOUR each time!!!  Don't ask...I promise you don't want details!

In my desperation to save the expensive equipment from its imminent destruction, I "made up" a game:  I say a word then they say another word that starts with the same sound.

Wanna know how it went???

Ready??

Here we go....

Me: "Fish!"
B: "I know the F word!"
C: "Yeah, it's FUU-KE!"  (that's how he pronounced it...Extra E (as in envelope) at the end and everything!

Me: "That's not a nice word.  Let's try another one...Alligator!"
C: "Apple!"
B: "I know the A word!  Aaaaaaa-SS!!!"

Me: "Ok, lets stop with the bad words guys.  How about Cat?"
C: "Oh Oh Oh!!  I know the C word!!!!"
B: "I KNOW THE C WORD, TOO!!!!!!!!"

Me: "Oh hell no you don't!!!"

And both in unison yell, "CRAP!!!!"

Sigh.  What a relief!!!

:)

Handicap?

Pulling into the bowling alley the other day, Big asked me why I didn't park in the spot closest to the alley.

I said, "Because it's a handicapped spot, buddy.  We're not allowed to park there!"

Small said, "What does handicapped mean, mommy?"

I explained that it was when people have a harder time doing something because of some disability they might have, like losing a leg or their arm not working properly or maybe they arey are in a wheelchair.

Small thought for a moment and said, "Oh, you mean like my carseat is a handicap???  Because when I'm strapped in there, I can't do ANYTHING!!!!"


Hahaha!  He rocks!

And so it begins....

Big:  "Mommy, <Super cute blondie> keeps telling me that she loves me and wants to marry me!"

Me: "Oh yeah??  What do you tell her?"

Big: "I say, "I DON'T LOVE YOU AND I'M NOT MARRYING YOU!!!"

Me:  "Hmm, how do you think that makes her feel?"

Big: "I DON'T CARE!!  She's mean to me!"

Me: "How is she mean to you?"

Big: "She makes burping and farting noises whenever she's around me!"

Me (trying really hard not to laugh at this point): "Yeah, that would be annoying.  She's probably doing it because she wants your attention.  Maybe you could ask her to play a game with you or something next time?"

Big: "NO WAY!!  Then she'll think I like her!"

Me: "Well, maybe you'd have fun playing soccer with her.  You never know if you don't give her a chance!   Next time she tells you she loves you, you know what you should say?"

Big: "Go away??"

Me: "No.  You say "Thank you!" because its actually a really sweet thing for someone to tell you.  You don't have to play with her if you don't want to but you need to at least be polite."

Big: "Do I have to marry her, too??  I thought I was going to marry you, mommy?"

Me: "Well, I'm already married so I'm out.  But, no.  Being nice to her doesn't mean you have to marry her.  It just shows her she's smart for choosing kind boys that treat her nicely.  You should try being flattered that she likes you!"

Big: "Oh, man!!  But she's a GIIIIIIRL!!!!"

Me: "Yeah, but she's a person first and we treat all people nicely.  Especially people that think we're worth loving :)"

Big: "Ok, mommy!  I'll try...BUT I'M NOT MARRYING HER!!!"

Me: "Deal!!"

And so it begins.....

What's wrong with you, Lego Creators?????

All last year, my kids were really into Lego Ninjago.  Then, one episode had some scary dragon in it and they pretty much ixnayed Ninjago from then on.

But then Lego came out with Lego Chima and the kids really badly wanted to watch it.  I saw one episode and there was some crazy war between lands and I was like, "WHAAAAAT?!?!"  As if my boys need to watch so much violence!  They already get enough violence in all the Super Heroes / Beyblades / Ninja Turtles crap that is on TV these days.

So last night, I decided to let them watch a Lego Friends episode.  It started off really cute!  It was all about these great friends who were really nice and wanted to help each other save the dolphins!  Awesome, right????

But then I started watching more closely....and I noticed that all the girls had perfectly coifed, streaked hair.  They also had perfect little adorable faces.  And their bodies?????  HOLY SMOKING HOT LITTLE GIRLS!!!  They had teeny tiny waists and they took every opportunity to show off their perfect little figures!  These "kids" also were in school and drove a jeep...I'm still not sure what age range they were supposed to be.

Ok, so yeah...I was reading too much into it at that point....

It was hard not to notice the little attitudes and behaviors they started doing, though.  One girl gave the ol' index finger waggle and almost said, "Oh no you Di'nt!"  They flipped their hair around, they shimmied their hips??  WHAAAT?????  Since when are little Lego girls sex objects???

And then came the final fateful scene that spurred this blog post....

They were supposed to go on a boat cruise so they all showed up in rain coats and rain boots.  No biggie!  But as soon as they realized it was a fun cruise, they INSISTED on going home to get changed because they "can't go on THAT boat looking like THIS!!"

Are you for real, Lego Friends???  Get a life!!

But, then they cut to the girls walking down the deck after they went to get changed and holy crap if it wasn't like Charlie's Angels in child form!

Hot little girls with next to no clothes walking down the dock shakin' what their momma gave them!

I'm not even exaggerating!!!!

And you know how my little 4 year old responded???



"OOOOOoooooooooooooooo!!!   Uh huh!!!"



I'M NOT EVEN JOKING!!!!!!!!!!

To say I was stunned, is an understatement.  I didn't even know where to go with that one!  I mean, at least with Ninjago and Chima, the violence is an obvious No!  I can say, "Stop fighting!" and they get it.

But, what do I say to the subtle sexification of those little Lego girls??
"Stop drooling, Small!"??

Or do I start explaining that girls come in all shapes and sizes and that they are all to be respected and valued??

Hell if I know!!

Here's the link to the episode:

Cut to 12:40 for the scene I mean...

And THAT'S what I'm Talkin' about!!!

All it was missing was a Bowm Chicka Bowm Bowm!!

I guess I should be grateful there was no cleavage at least?!?!


Seriously, Lego!!  Why can't we just let our kids be kids??????

Guess we'll be watching Sesame Street from now on!!!

Scream time! Who knew it was such an appropriate name!

About a month ago, I reached a whole new low with Small.  That kid!  Smokes!!  When he's mad, it's like he's possessed!  Like, literally!!  I'd be lying if I said I hadn't considered hiring an exorcist!!  Seriously!  The DEVIL!!

So this one day, I told him he couldn't play on the computer.  After his head stopped spinning around 360 degrees, he went into full on fight or flight mode!  Things were flying, flailing, kicking!!  It was not a pretty sight.  He eventually decided to chuck my computer keyboard on the floor and then my mouse across the room.  Color me UNHAPPY!!!  

Enter phase two of the tantrum.  I'll spare you details.

The next day, the battle started again...as soon as we walked in the door.  "No computer time!"  But this day, I had decided they could EARN computer time by doing workbook pages.  Genius idea, right???  Well, now that meant that I had to HELP them with the damn workbook pages while trying to cook dinner at the same time!  Not cool!  Not cool at all!!!  

Even that didn't work with my little ticking timebomb!  

A couple days later, we had rip roaring tantrum number 2!  This one hit it's breaking point when I moved the mouse to the top of the fridge and he climbed up there to take it back.  I put it in my pocket and he pulled it out and chucked it...all while Big was wailing behind me for dinner...all while I was trying to cook dinner...

Enter phase two of the tantrum while Big continues to wait unpatiently for dinner.  I'll spare you details.

Needless to say, SCREEN TIME (or SCREAM TIME as they call it) and me ARE NOT FRIENDS!

That night, I packed up my computer and put it somewhere were they couldn't see it.  The next time they went to play with it, it was Gone!  Vanished!  

"Where's your computer, Mommy?"

"I'm tired of you kids <and by that I mainly mean Small> not treating my stuff with respect.  So until you can show me you can use my stuff nicely, you won't be using it!"

Mommy- 1; Kids- 0

But, you'll never guess what happened after that??  From then on, they walked in the house from school and not once asked for SCREAM TIME.  They don't even bother asking for TV anymore.  They know I'm pissed and it's not going to happen.  

So you know what they do instead??  They play together!  Nicely!!  Like EVERYDAY!!!  I haven't had a fight with either kid for weeks during dinner making time!  

Admittedly, that was a lot easier than I expected.  I'm sure the time will come when they start asking again.  But until then, I'm going to ride the wave of peace in the house!

Mommy- 2; Computer- 0

It's the most wonderful time of the year....

And so...Chippy has arrived!  <sigh>  Chippy.  What a wonderful thing Chippy is!  The kids adore him.  They talk to him like he's their best friend.  They ask him for advice.  They live. breath. sleep good behavior when Chippy is around.

I wish I had a Chippy for every month of the year!

This morning, Chippy was found stuck in the mail slot.  I guess he had a hard time getting back into the house!  He was busy last night.  He decorated the front door like a snowman.

"Silly Chippy!  You helped us with our decorations!" exclaimed Small when he found him this morning.  

Chippy also left a note for the kids that said, "Now YOU do something kind for someone today!"  Well, heck!  What a nice gesture, Chippy!  You're even instilling good will in these kids!  You've outdone yourself!

Small, "Hmm, do something kind.  What could I do that's kind for someone, Chippy?  I'll have to think about that some more!"

You know what he came up with?  He turned the TV off nicely for Ammy.

Ok...so that wasn't so awesome.  But, at least he thought about it!

Big, on the other hand, decided to draw me a picture of Spiderman trapping Vulture in a web.

Who's it what'sit?  Yeah, I don't know either but it's the thought that counts!

Just think of all the possible notes Chippy can leave:

"Help Mommy by cleaning up the house"
"Stay in your beds tonight!"
"Make dinner!"  or more realistically "Eat what Mommy made you for dinner without complaining!"
"Give Mommy a beer and tell her you'll put yourself to bed tonight!"

The possibilities are endless.....